well hello there

Fred

this is a sad story about Fred the Asparagus Person.


Fred the Asparagus Person walked casually down the road towards home. The bullies had been very mean to him that day. They had called him “underwear head”, “flush mouth” and “Jared.” The last one hit Fred hard, like a punch to the gut. Although the word “Jared” didn’t really mean anything in particular, it was generally considered an insult.
Fred was always insulted for his large height, massive girth and his large leaf afro. Asparagus children mostly insulted Fred for his leaf afro, because it was very strange compared to the standard tuft of leaf strands. Fred hated his leaf afro. He couldn’t get it removed, because it was attached to a bunch of weird things coming out of his scalp.
Fred’s parents were way larger than Fred. In fact they were probably more than 10 times bigger than Fred. The asparagus people were scared of Fred’s parents. This was one of the many reasons why Fred wanted to grow up. He had dreams of crushing all of the people he hated with his large, tentacle-like legs. These dreams were one of the few highlights of Fred’s sad life.
One day, as Fred was eating soup, he heard a whisper. Fred looked down at his soup. There was a little man sitting on a noodle. Fred asked the man what he was doing, and the man cleared his throat. He proceeded to explain to Fred the reason for the large leaf afro and all of Fred’s imperfections.
Fred stared down at his soup. He wasn’t hungry anymore. He excused himself from the table and slowly trudged upstairs. That night, Fred lay in his bed staring at the ceiling for five hours without moving. He hated his everybody and everything. He wasn't an asparagus person. He never would be. He hated his parents for not telling him, but at the same time, he hated the little man in his soup.
The next day at school, Fred walked by all of the asparagus people, ignoring their hateful comments and insults. He sat at the back of the room, away from anything that could interact with him. He just wanted to get away from everybody. He just wanted to it to end.
On his way home, he passed a bridge. It was a very narrow bridge, but when Fred looked over, it looked about 30 stories into the water below. Fred looked around. There was nobody around him. The bridge was totally deserted. He took a deep breath, and looked down into the water again.
Fred slowly put his foot onto the first beam on the rail, his hands trembling. He took another deep breath, and looked down at the water again. He took a step onto the second beam on the rail. He took one last deep breath, spat on the ground, and vaulted over the rail. He plunged down toward the water, not a sound coming out of his mouth. Before he hit the water, he smiled a small, sly smile. He hit the water with a smack, and sunk down into the murky depths.
When Fred didn't come home that night, his parents started to get worried. They called the police, but the line was busy. The parents knew better. Nobody liked their kind, including the police. Fred's father decided to go out in search for Fred. He said goodbye to his wife, and set out into the cool, damp night to search for Fred.
As the father was driving around the town looking for Fred, he spotted a crowd of people huddling around something. The father got out of the car, and walked to the group of people. Someone in the crowd noticed the father, and quickly walked away. As the father got closer, people starting clearing the way, trying to get away from him. As people left, the father noticed that they were all looking over a bridge. The father ran over to the side rail and looked down. There, floating in the water, was the silhouette of a small tree.

Belated Friday Funtime

well a large city is five square miles across. How large does that make the city (in square miles)?

Coughity coughCoff

A coughing zebra was hungry so he went to the grocery store but the grocery store was out of food so the zebra went to his grandpa's house for some bread and tea but his grandpa didn't have any food because he sold it to Jebidiah (down the hall) and the grocery store was all out so the zebra walked to Jebidiah's door and asked for some food but Jebidiah didn't have any because he was your mother.

Lyrics to a fun song

Shaboom dddddooomblomooobooomblaboom shaboom domm bomm bamoop.

Sorrryyyy

Well I haven't made any posts in a bit bacuz I got AC: Brotherhood. I play it a lot. But here's a question: What if someone walked up to you, punched you in the face, but then gave you a 50 dollar bill? Would you be mad? answer this one in the comments section if you are actually a real person, which you probably aren't. I'm probably just writing this for my own amusement.

Chins

a chin walked into a bar and said, "do you have any fries?" and the bartender said, "sorry, we don't serve chins here," and the chin said "i didn't ask for chins, i asked for fries."

Friday Funtime

TOday's friday FuNtImE is:

a man has a hat made of solid gold. if he puts on the hat, takes it off, spins around, puts the hat back on, takes it off, goes back in time five seconds, puts the hat on again while his other past self is putting on the hat, takes it off, goes back in time to before he puts on hat, puts on the hat, waits until his past self puts on the hat, takes off the hat, and puts it back on.

the question is: How many total seconds is he wearing the hat for?

DeMarcus the Sea Pig

this is a story about DeMarcus the Sea Pig. (told in first person)

As I woke up, my bubble house was particularly bubbly. I walked over to the bubble generator in the next room over. There was a tyrannobdella rex feasting on the bubble control box. This made more bubbles shoot out. I tried to get the large leech off of the control box, but my jelly-like body was too wobbly. I decided to go to my friend, Mr. Handfish.
I nudged open the door with my greasy body, and I slurped outside. The water was nice and warm. As I walked to Mr. Handfish's house, I noticed that Jarvis McBlobfish wasn't tending to his seatree plants. This was odd because Jarvis is almost always near his seatrees.
Anyway, I made my way down the road to Mr. Handfish's house. I glopped up the steps to his front door, and slammed myself against it (I couldn't knock. I have no hands).
My slamming against the door made a small squirt sound. Mr. Handfish opened his door. He looked ill, and there were spots of blood on his face.
"Mr. Handfish?" I said. He didn't respond. That's when I knew something was terribly wrong. I strained my "neck" around to see the back of Mr. Handfish's head. A nemertean was nestled into the gooey part of Mr. Handfish's head, and it appeared to be sucking something out. That's when I realized what was happening. The nemertean was sucking out Mr. Handfish's brain!
I stumbled back and oozed down the steps. I wobbled as fast as I could down the road to see if Jarvis McBlobfish was alright. I slammed against Jarvis's door. Again, it produced a squirt sound. Jarvis pushed open his door. He looked normal. I slid through the door and into his front hall. "What's wrong?," said Jarvis. I waved my head in Mr. Handfish's direction. A worried look crossed Jarvis's eyes. Without a word, he slammed the door and bolted it shut.
"Jarvis, what's going on?" I gurgled.
"It's happening again," he replied.
"What are you talking about? What's happening again?"
"The rise of the nemerteans. This was what that strange old narwhal lady told me back in the Gulf of Mexico. I should've believed her," Jarvis said sadly.
"Please explain, Jarvis," I said.
"Well, a long time ago, our king was a nemertean. He was a terrible ruler. He had an army of secret agents who would go and suck the brains out of anyone who said anything bad about something that the king liked. My cousin, Gerald, said that he hated asparagus, and the secret police came in a heartbeat and gave him the Sockblocker."
I gasped. "The Sockblocker?!" I shouted. They actually gave him the SOCKBLOCKER?!"
"They gave him the Sockblocker or my name isn't Jarvis McBlobfish." Jarvis paused. There was an awkward silence. It didn't last long, however. There was a loud thump on the door. Jarvis slithered over to the front hall. "Quick!" he said. "Hide in the closet!"
I shuffled to the closet, and crammed myself as far in as I could. Jarvis came over and slammed the door behind me. The thumping on the front door continued. I could here Jarvis slurping up to the front door. The thumping stopped, and there was a loud cracking sound. The door had burst open, and Jarvis screamed.
There was a loud thump, and all was silent. I slowly nudged my way out of the linen closet. I peeked around the corner, and I saw Jarvis and Mr. Handfish on the ground. They were both dead (may they rest in peace). The nemertean was squirming around on the ground. It was making loud, unpleasant growling noises. I walked over to it and stepped on it, and it exploded. I then went home and ate some spaghettios.

Oh, No!

Oh jeez. I forgot to make another post on monday, but i skipped on tuesday cuz i was sick. I will try everything I can to make this blog warm and happy again. Do you know what else is warm
and happy? Jackalopes.

Helo

hi to the (maybe) 1 person who actually reads this. I didn't post anything yesterday cuz i was elsewhere without a compooter. Anyhoo, today's random word of the day = Jelly.

TGI it's friday.

well it's friday and the week has gone by. so i will make a friday funtime in which I will post a riddle that i made up and then you have to solve it. (hint: you won't be able to solve it).
RIDDLE:
What has three legs but can't walk, grows five feet taller every few days, but will never reach the sky?

answer in comments.

Random Sammich

well this is a blog that is random things and such in that matter. you will see many random things that will happy you and your pals. or sad them. whatever works. i never capitalize right now, so don't bothered.